Waiting for you..............

My hopes were that you would miss me enough to be the man you have never dared to be. My hopes were that you would find my doorstep in the rain and tell me that you truly cannot live without me.  My hopes were that we would matter enough for you to step from the inside of the façade you have been living to try something real for a change. My hope was that I actually mattered and parts of me know in some places that I do. I know I do in the places in which count the most.  The places that you hold as your person are the ones I cannot fight….not the feelings from your heart.

My eyes are the color of your eyes.  My heart is as warm as the depths of your own.  Together a quiet peace bonds us through it all.  You are in my heart as I am in yours and we each know this. The fight is not to feel it.  The fight is to remain true to the things in which we both want to remain loyal to.  The fight is not to give in.  As it would be to easy to settle on just one when the whole world out there may hold something better.

The truth is that what we are finding that would seem to imply better is empty.  As I am on your mind as you are on mine.  Sex with strangers and grasping for the small things in which interest another rather than producing our true selves is a common.  And we feel nothing at all except small moments of satisfaction. As once again we remain imprisoned by what we know to be the truth.

I am the freedom you want to feel while you’re the stability I want to learn.  I am the hippie with the flowers in my hair dreaming of the purest love.  You are a constant who prefers habitual truths.  I am far more honest than you know how to deal with and you are far more guarded than one should be.

Give it up.  Come to my door in the light of our moons.  Find me and know that to let me go is a loss you will live with always.  Hold me close to your heart so that I breathe you in and make me believe that this is what I think it is.  Fear not the rejection of your love as you must show it in order to fully gain it.  Lay your loyalty at my feet and I will offer you the same.  You cannot let me go….no matter how hard you try.

Your Time Is Coming!!!

Being single has many benefits in which you neglect to remember when you’re in a relationship.  I see the benefits of both actually but it has been a very long time since I was in a mutually satisfying relationship in which I can compare it too.  Weighing the benefits sometimes can be a difficult task on both sides.  Do I stay or do I go now they rang out in song?

In my eyes a relationship is wonderful when you are involved with someone who is worthy, true, honest, and has values in which reflect the same ethics in which you yourself hold for a relationship.  It is wonderful when you have a partner, who is not filled with daily secrets, holding on to old relationships, or filled with demons in which they can’t even admit to themselves they have.  The camaraderie and the security of a relationship are grand.  Relationships though wonderful can also become toxic to your soul if you are involved with the wrong partner.    

However being single is quite grand too.  Different dates each week.   Each day getting to know new people who are interesting.  Your pick your own hours, days of the week, and who.  You get to meet new people and become exposed to new places, new friends, and new experiences.  It is exciting to meet someone new and have hope that one day you will love someone again.  Being single is fun at best though a great game of examination of the other person.  Sizing one another up as some would say when they enter the ring.

Three dates in one weekend.  I cannot say it wasn’t fun.  I cannot say that I didn’t have any less than the best of intentions with each individual.  I honestly wanted to meet each one.  I was interested in whom they were and the general thoughts in which is placed into first date small talk.  It was refreshing to talk with people who had more than one or two main interests.  I listened to stories about another’s families, pets, and their work. I also cannot say that I felt or was even ready to feel any type of connection. 

What sticks in my mind though is how each individual is on their best behavior in the start.  And I am left to wonder who they really are inside.  We each know as we move along that people change and become more comfortable.  Those same people tend to let down the guards they carried down and show true colors.  Sometimes those true colors are a deal breaker.  Sometimes those true colors are not deal breakers but even better than one expected.

I don’t know that I am looking for love but finding friendship is something in which I value greatly.  Love is too easy to find as so many will love you.  However finding someone who is truly your best friend first is the way I think it should happen.  Going the friendship route I think is the way in which I am heading.  If I can enjoy someone’s friendship than I feel I can let the love grow from that.  Don’t we all love our best friends?  With best friends the mutual trust and the bond is grown over time in order to become unbreakable.

I am sure more dating adventures are on the way provided I don’t settle too quickly for love. I am still though burned a hopeless romantic who has always chosen to see the best within others.  I hope you all who might read this out there have been lucky in your love and friendships.  The right one will be there when we least expect it. So until then don’t look for them.  Just exhale and wait…..your time is coming!

 

 

A New Day

Ending a relationship is much like anything else we have to quit.  Be it smoking, losing weight, eating less, they are all things that require self discipline.  Learning to break the daily habits and make new habits is an adjustment in which we have to make when leaving a relationship. Changing dinner times, what you eat will be different, who you talk to will be different.  Even simple trips to Walmart or the grocery store change. 

There will be those nights you wake up at 2am and reach over to touch the man you loved so deeply only to realize your still sleeping and he is no longer there.  That spot is an easy on to fill for those looking for the warmth of another human being.  However the heart even when that spot is filled can remain a habitual creature in which remains and has a dire need to redirect.  Love sometimes takes a long time to die.  

One will realize you can focus on the things that were most precious to carry you through the heartache of any anger in which might have lingered for a time.  You have dispelled the anger and hold it no longer.  You treasure the moments where you thought this is the one.  That he was your one.  The thoughts you had before he showed the real person he was inside.  And you let those bad thoughts drift to a place in which you forgive, and just need to forget. Life is about love and precious times. If you have had them than that day of your life was worth it.  

Soul mates bring changes in one another in which sometimes cannot be faced.  Sometimes with our soul mates the fact that we have this person figured out is blinding and damaging to one another.  Soul mates read on your face, hear in your words, and love by your actions.  We each bring our soul mates a bit of truth that they sometimes cannot swallow.  Sometimes it takes years for a soul mate to realize the value in the person who sat before them.  And there are other times those soul mates will part with one feeling justified in the negative actions in which took place. One soul mate is usually an open book while the other can never fully open them to a negative in the mirror.

Last week the air was crisp and the fire in the pit was warm against the cool winds blowing in. I lay on his dock thinking about what a good man he was and wishing that I loved him the way I should.  For years he has loved me for just exactly who I am.  For years he has been by my side and never failed me when I needed him the most.  And more than once he has brought me back to life with the unconditional love in which he gives me.  This is a man who would never harm me mentally or physically for anything in this world.  I would never have to worry about another thing.  I would never have to mistrust this man.  And sadly I know I am the one who is wrong for taking comfort in him.  I have been honest when I tell him I love someone else.  And he understands.  He understands that I have a habit to break.

Tonight I came home to my familiar bed and familiar pillows. I need the time to put my head into perspective and to break the old habits that follow me like a ghost.  My heart is warm and good and when I wake in the morning it is a new day.  A new I and I am not afraid of the change. I look forward to where it is going and cannot wait to see what love brings me next. 

Making Peace

It started with a downward spiral into a place which a girl just goes when she has had enough.  The point where you quit caring and start calling the bluff of a man who has bullshitted you way too long.  It would be the exact point where you start taking back yourself, fluffing his ego less, and worrying about your tomorrow.  It is a bittersweet sadness as it is the end of one thing yet the beginning of a whole new life. It will be a life without him, but one in which all new things are knocking at your life’s door.

At one time it mattered to you that he would blame his aggressive, mean spirited behavior on you. The type of man that says well I acted the way I did because you made me.  A man who is violent in his emotional attacks on your person, never taking responsibility for his actions, but would lead you to believe it was he who was driven to this point.  That it was you who made him act this way. After all every ugly mean or bad thing we have ever done in our lives is someone elses fault isn’t it?

At one time you might have been emotionally battered enough to think that when he stated “I am the best thing that ever happened to you” that he was right.  However you went to bed one Monday night thinking about statements made in this manner and realize, why would he have to even say it if that were the truth.  If he were the best thing that had ever happened to everyone in his life, how did he end up with you to begin with?  Would something have not worked out for him if he was truly the best thing that ever happened to you? Instead you realize you didn’t give him the honor of this statement and that the best thing that had ever happened to you would have never treated you so poorly for any reason. Not the man who claimed to love you.

By Tuesday morning you realize that you cannot live this way any longer.  You wait patiently for his next line of bullshit.  You wait for the next lie to move through his lips so you can just say it.  You know it is coming and this time you’re prepared to be the one to call the end.  You have realized you cannot compete with one who is so in denial of his own flaws he cannot control himself.  You’re freely admitting your short comings but have been living among someone who is constantly denying to himself that he has them.  A lie to one’s self in the mirror is one of the largest and most harmful lies in which can be told.  It is a devastating lie in which will destroy all things in front or behind you.  

You realize by that Thursday that possibly he hates himself.  He is disrespectful and demeaning because he doesn’t have anything else to be.  And you pray for him as you know he needs help to become a better man as you have seen the most precious sides of him.  You start to realize the disrespect started long before you and that you are one in a trail of fallen women who he dismantled beautiful parts of a piece at a time never taking responsibility for it.  You realize his glass house is shattered and he is still throwing the same old stones as he has nothing else.  His words are the only way in which he can try to hurt you at this point as he knows he has lost you. 

By Friday you realize that this is what he does.  This is who he really is; it just isn’t the person in which he led you to believe.  A misfortune for those in which believed in the love you thought you shared.  Not a downfall though if you were honest and true in what you portrayed though.  By Friday you wish you could tell him exactly how many things you really do already know.  The things that would send him shock because he would realize yet again that the trail he left behind him keeps coming forward to warn those they feel deserve to be warned. You wish you had the ability to strike him with your words just as he has done you, yet you hold them because it would only serve to make you just like him. Cruel is something we all can walk away without being.

By the end of that week you realize that your closure will come from yourself.  He can’t and will never face you as he knows what he is inside yet he is not a strong enough man to tell you.  After all he cannot even tell himself.   He will simply move on to the next best thing that will feed his ever starving sense of self and it too will last for a little while before it crumbles, as he never takes the time to work from the inside and help himself.  And sadly for her it will end in the very same disbelief that they were so wrong about the charming, come on strong, perfect guy she thought in the start.  

You pack his things he left behind, in a box and place them on a shelf within a closet that you won’t have to open for a long time to come. You will pray for him, blow your kiss to the wind, and you will say good bye to the night air of yesterday.