Making Peace

It started with a downward spiral into a place which a girl just goes when she has had enough.  The point where you quit caring and start calling the bluff of a man who has bullshitted you way too long.  It would be the exact point where you start taking back yourself, fluffing his ego less, and worrying about your tomorrow.  It is a bittersweet sadness as it is the end of one thing yet the beginning of a whole new life. It will be a life without him, but one in which all new things are knocking at your life’s door.

At one time it mattered to you that he would blame his aggressive, mean spirited behavior on you. The type of man that says well I acted the way I did because you made me.  A man who is violent in his emotional attacks on your person, never taking responsibility for his actions, but would lead you to believe it was he who was driven to this point.  That it was you who made him act this way. After all every ugly mean or bad thing we have ever done in our lives is someone elses fault isn’t it?

At one time you might have been emotionally battered enough to think that when he stated “I am the best thing that ever happened to you” that he was right.  However you went to bed one Monday night thinking about statements made in this manner and realize, why would he have to even say it if that were the truth.  If he were the best thing that had ever happened to everyone in his life, how did he end up with you to begin with?  Would something have not worked out for him if he was truly the best thing that ever happened to you? Instead you realize you didn’t give him the honor of this statement and that the best thing that had ever happened to you would have never treated you so poorly for any reason. Not the man who claimed to love you.

By Tuesday morning you realize that you cannot live this way any longer.  You wait patiently for his next line of bullshit.  You wait for the next lie to move through his lips so you can just say it.  You know it is coming and this time you’re prepared to be the one to call the end.  You have realized you cannot compete with one who is so in denial of his own flaws he cannot control himself.  You’re freely admitting your short comings but have been living among someone who is constantly denying to himself that he has them.  A lie to one’s self in the mirror is one of the largest and most harmful lies in which can be told.  It is a devastating lie in which will destroy all things in front or behind you.  

You realize by that Thursday that possibly he hates himself.  He is disrespectful and demeaning because he doesn’t have anything else to be.  And you pray for him as you know he needs help to become a better man as you have seen the most precious sides of him.  You start to realize the disrespect started long before you and that you are one in a trail of fallen women who he dismantled beautiful parts of a piece at a time never taking responsibility for it.  You realize his glass house is shattered and he is still throwing the same old stones as he has nothing else.  His words are the only way in which he can try to hurt you at this point as he knows he has lost you. 

By Friday you realize that this is what he does.  This is who he really is; it just isn’t the person in which he led you to believe.  A misfortune for those in which believed in the love you thought you shared.  Not a downfall though if you were honest and true in what you portrayed though.  By Friday you wish you could tell him exactly how many things you really do already know.  The things that would send him shock because he would realize yet again that the trail he left behind him keeps coming forward to warn those they feel deserve to be warned. You wish you had the ability to strike him with your words just as he has done you, yet you hold them because it would only serve to make you just like him. Cruel is something we all can walk away without being.

By the end of that week you realize that your closure will come from yourself.  He can’t and will never face you as he knows what he is inside yet he is not a strong enough man to tell you.  After all he cannot even tell himself.   He will simply move on to the next best thing that will feed his ever starving sense of self and it too will last for a little while before it crumbles, as he never takes the time to work from the inside and help himself.  And sadly for her it will end in the very same disbelief that they were so wrong about the charming, come on strong, perfect guy she thought in the start.  

You pack his things he left behind, in a box and place them on a shelf within a closet that you won’t have to open for a long time to come. You will pray for him, blow your kiss to the wind, and you will say good bye to the night air of yesterday.